Barack is a civil rights hero because he let gay Americans kill brown people on the other side of the world too. He personally supports gay marriage (now), but believes the states should ultimately decide. A champion of states’ rights, the president has clearly learned the lessons of the Civil War and the civil rights movement!
He's a champion of the little guy - ordinary, hardworking Americans like Jaime Dimon and Lloyd Blankfein. But he's no liberal purist, either: Barack is more than happy to make little old ladies eat cat food if that's what the bankers demand!
But he's tough, too! He orders other people to push buttons that kill terrorists thousands of miles away! I know they're terrorists because the U.S. government says so, and because any military-age male killed in a strike zone is presumed to be a militant. The administration said so! Barack is standing up to Iran and its nuclear program, the same way George W. Bush stood up to Iraq and its nuclear program!
Barack Obama shows that America is never afraid to stand up for what's right! That's why he tortures whistleblowers and protects torturers.
And now, here's to four more glorious years. Congratulations, America! You’ve earned it.
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